


Once a Soldier

by mushembra



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, Brotherhood of Steel - Freeform, Danse asks questions, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Implied Bigotry, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Lust at First Sight, M/M, Nathan is a sad gay dad, Pre-Relationship, Reminiscing, Self-Hatred, mentions of abuse, mild violence, physical attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 17:12:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6385171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mushembra/pseuds/mushembra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once a soldier, always a soldier.<br/>Paladin Danse meets a civilian named Nathan Cunningham, who leaves him perplexed and questioning just who the mystery man is.<br/>His line of questioning leaves them both uncomfortable and on the line of inappropriate</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once a Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because honestly, Bethesda pissed me off with Danse calling the Male Sole Survivor 'civilian'.
> 
> From personal experience in the military, if you're dedicated, that bearing never leaves you, and I think Danse would definitely pick up on that.
> 
> And to those who have read my Darla fics, yes, this is her husband. I started a Brotherhood playthrough with her husband, and wanted to expand on his story as well. Honestly, it could possibly lead up to this crazy AU story I've been thinking up, which would include them both and a lot of chaos. But we'll see
> 
> If you wanna know more specifics about Nathan, or hell, even Darla, let me know and I'll write a fic surrounding that idea! I love to write about these two, so it's never a bother, and I could use the practice.
> 
> I know I'm not the best writer, but what the fuck ever. I love to write, and I'll continue sharing
> 
> FYI, Danse and Nathan fics in the future when they end up together will be hella cute, hella gay, and just so...uuuugh...I already have a lot of ideas in mind

There was something about Paladin Danse’s new Initiate that was both mystifying and intriguing, but he just couldn’t put his finger on it. Initiate Nathan Cunningham was the newest recruit he has taken under his wing, and for damn good reason. The civilian was to be thanked for saving his life and the lives of his remaining two squad members, a miracle he had lost all hope for. So many have already perished in this forsaken wasteland under his watch, and if it weren’t for the fact their recon mission was a direct order from Elder Maxson and of great importance, he would have pulled out long ago. There was a major difference between occupational hazard and an op that was absolute suicide. The horde of Feral Ghouls had the police station surrounded, one of his men had succumb to a swarm of the beasts, torn limb from limb in a cacophony of horrific screams, and Knight Rhys was too injured to continue fighting. Danse could feel how his body, far beyond exhaustion, wanted to give out despite the aid of his Power Armor. The fight was taking it’s toll, and his tendency towards thinking realistically saw no way out. He had failed his squad, and worse yet, he had failed his Elder. They would become one of the many squads lost to the Commonwealth, never seen or heard from again.

That’s when the mysterious civilian barreled through a group of ferals overwhelming the Paladin, armored in an antique and rusty set of Power Armor, wielding nothing more than a baseball bat modified with a heavy chain and nails. Not exactly what he was hoping for when it came to a rescue, and ordinarily Danse would have doubted the skills of a civilian so poorly equipped. But there was a sureness to the fighter’s movements, and before long he was in control of the combat zone, luring the ferals with his shouting and taunting, making as much noise as he possibly could. It gave Paladin Danse the brief moment of reprieve he needed to grasp his bearings, digging deep in the well of his remaining willpower to aid their rescuer until the last feral lay gurgling on the ground, twitching in it’s death-throws. He had expected the civilian to be off on their way after the fight, or demand caps for their help, but they surprised Danse by stepping out of their Power Armor, revealing a man who looked to be out of time and out of place, yet who wore and kind and concerned expression that took the Paladin by surprise. Not at all what he was expecting of his savior.

The next couple of days were a flurry of activity for the both of them. From there, the civilian named Nathan inquired about the Brotherhood of Steel, gave his full attention with such stoicism to the plight of his squad despite having no reason to be concerned, and had offered assistance in retrieving the technology they needed to relay their distress signal to the Prydwen. He didn’t ask for caps, made no demands, and respected their personal property. There were no suspicions of theft or inappropriate behavior. He respected protocol and carried himself, well, like a soldier. It was a welcome change to anyone else they’ve run into since arriving in the Commonwealth, the populace not too pleased with the presence of the Brotherhood squad, going so far as to demand they leave them to their own devices. But it left Paladin Danse perplexed. Who was Nathan Cunningham? Where was he from? What was his angle? He didn’t mean any offense by his suspicions, but you could never be too careful when it came to acquaintances, and not everyone was open and genuine about who they truly were or of their intentions. For the sake of his team, he needed to get an answer to those questions. The last thing he wanted was to find out too late that Cunningham was a threat he had turned a naive eye to. They’ve already lost too much.

\----------

Paladin Danse fo in the small garage he had been using as a workshop to maintenance his Power Armor, and it seems Cunningham was taking advantage of the equipment to repair the damages to his own armor. It was amusing really. Power Armor that has rusted and decayed with such age wasn’t very reliable, and up-keeping it could only make it work for so long. But the man’s resourcefulness was rather admirable and could be a great asset, given their precarious situation. The Initiate’s face was focused, sweat dotting his brow in the heat of mid-day. Appears he hadn’t even heard his superior walk in, despite the fact Danse’s footsteps were heavy, steel thunking against the concrete floor. Good to see someone else who took maintenance seriously. He knew too many Initiates who shrugged it off and ended up in an undesirable situation on the field due to complications. They could learn something from their new brother, and Danse may likely, if Maxson approved, give Cunningham a position among the other Initiate’s as a mentor, to get their asses going in the right direction.

“Initiate Cunningham. I’d like to have a word with you.”

There was a moment where Cunningham’s eyes betrayed him, startled by the sudden, gruff voice behind him. He was quick to regain his composure, however, and hopped to his feet, standing in parade rest as a show of respect and attentiveness to his commanding officer. His protocol and proper military conduct had Danse regarding him with a lot of respect. It was usually something Initiate’s needed drilled into them for many weeks before they gave up their old behaviors as a civilian. Seems that gave Cunningham the upper hand and would put him out on the field all the more sooner. Good, the Brotherhood could use all the skilled soldiers they could get right now. Times were tough, and Danse had a feeling they were only about to get harder.

“At ease, soldier.”

Cunningham relaxed, now leaning against a nearby wall before lighting himself a cigarette to calm his nerves, more than a little anxious about what his superior wished to ask him. It was about the only habit that Danse has found a problem with of his new Initiate. Introducing toxins into your body that could affect your combat readiness was always a sore point with Danse, but for now he’d let it slide. Not that he could really do much about it anyways, aside from give a strong suggestion to quit. Plenty of people in the Brotherhood smoked, despite his objections voiced to the medics and to Elder Maxson.

“I have some...inquiries I’d like to make as to your background. A proper history interview will be conducted once the rest of our forces arrive in the Commonwealth, but I like to know the soldiers under my command so that I may be a more effective leader...”

There was a look of questioning on Cunningham’s face, a small smirk turning up his lips. He was on to the Paladin, and knew there was more to this little impromptu interrogation than simply knowing more about his new Initiate. Yes, he was used to a detailed history being collected for the sake of military records, but that’s not what this was about. He knew that Danse was curious and more than a little perplexed when it concerned his life, his story, where he fit in the grand scheme of the Commonwealth+. He had seen it by the way the man watched his every move over the last couple of days, as if trying to come to his own conclusions, hesitant about questioning Cunningham directly. He wasn’t quite sure why Danse was so hesitant, but it was quite...adorable? Yikes, that was a bad word. But that was the closest thing he could come to describing his own unusual fascination with his commanding officer. He didn’t want to go down this dangerous road of fascination, not again, but he simply couldn’t help himself, just as he couldn't help himself before.

“Of course, sir. What of my history would you like to know?”

“I recall you mentioning before you were a...Vault Dweller. And yet you have combat and world experience that contradicts your statement. Care to explain?”

Paladin Danse hadn’t meant for that to come out as some sort of accusation, but it simply didn’t make sense. Vault Dwellers were soft, proved to be ineffective fighters, and didn’t usually last very long once they stepped out of the confines of their cozy existence. A sadness came to Cunningham’s eyes, and he took a long drag on his cigarette to relieve some of the anxiety he was starting to feel bubble forth before working his whirring thoughts into words. Not an easy task. His anxiety usually kept him from functioning properly, but that’s not a medical problem he really wanted his new commanding officer to know about. Not yet.

“It’s sort of a uh...long story...the short version is that I was alive before the bombs fell that sort of...blew the world to hell. When I say I was a Vault Dweller I didn’t...really dwell there. Turns out Vault 111 was some sort of experiment in cryogenics, sponsored by the one and only Vault-Tec. For what reason, I haven’t a damn clue. Didn’t even have a chance to question what was going on when the scientists ushered us into the pods. Before I knew it, I just felt...cold...and I fell into a deep sleep. A sleep that lasted for a little over 200 years…”

Danse could hardly believe it, and wouldn’t have if it weren’t for the forlorn look in the man’s eyes as he peered out of the garage into the ruins of the city, obviously remembering what it must have looked like before chaos and carnage claimed it. This was quite the revelation, but with it, other pieces started clicking together. If he was alive before the war, then it was very possible, and likely, that he was a soldier back then. It would explain his bearing and combat experience, but the Paladin couldn’t say it was a comfort, considering the horrors soldiers in such a desperate time faced, the world on the very brink of ending. The possibilities only seemed to open the floodgate to more questions, but those were questions for another time, perhaps.

“What...did you do before all of this happened? I have a theory, but I’d rather have it confirmed.”

The Paladin’s voice was now softer, words careful and unsure. If he could, he’d try to avoid causing Cunningham any more emotional pain. That really wasn’t Danse’s area of expertise, so if he could keep from putting himself or his Initiate in an uncomfortable situation, he would most surely try to. But this line of questioning was sure to lead them there. Knowing now what he did, any questions of the man’s past would bring up memories that would prove near unbearable. Because that’s all they were now, memories, the world a shadow of what it once was. The life he knew was no longer tangible, and waking up in the Commonwealth of today must have been quite the shock. The fact he was holding his own so well had Danse marveling at his strength and tenacity.

“I was a soldier in the army. Always wanted to serve since I was a boy. Came from a long line of men in my family who served. The world was a dangerous place, on the brink of destruction, but I wanted to do what I could to protect my country, my family and loved ones. I...I wanted to do something to make a difference if I could. Heh...guess we saw how that turned out.”

Cunningham pulled an old set of steel dog tags from his pocket, handing them over to Danse, who took them clumsily in his armored hand, which was much too large to handle something so small and obviously precious to his Initiate. Sure enough, Cunningham’s name was imprinted in the tags, along with other identifying information to be used should he have fallen in combat. Seems he was right in his guessing. Once a soldier, always a soldier. Despite all that he’s gone through and seeing the horrible aftermath of the war he fought in, Cunningham still held himself with pride as a soldier, his military bearing unwavering. Just like Danse, he lived and breathed the military when he served, and to see that all undone must have nearly been his undoing when finally released from his prison. He couldn’t imagine the pain. The Paladin knew if the Brotherhood should ever fail and fall, it would mean the end of everything he held dear, and likely the end of his life.

“It’s part of why I joined the Brotherhood, you know.”

Cunningham took the tags back from the Paladin, snuffing out his cigarette before fiddling with them idly. He seemed lost in thought, the good and bad memories alike playing out on his face as he recalled them. The pain, his obvious internal struggle, it was starting to make Danse uncomfortable. This was tip-toeing too close to that line, and he wasn’t sure he’d know what to do if he accidentally crossed it.

“The military brought order to my life. I wasn’t necessarily the most well behaved child growing up, and for my parents, the rigors of my training curtailing my bad behavior was a god send. I was...grateful for everything I learned. I was proud and I felt like I was part of something bigger than myself, something important. That’s why waking up to this hellish wasteland was very hard for me. It was disorder, it was senseless, and honestly, I didn’t know how I was going to make it. I knew I had to, I just didn’t know HOW.”

The Initiate then met Danse’s eyes, so much promise and determination there, fiery and bright. Honestly, it reminded Danse of himself when he had decided to trade his useless life as a junk vendor into one of service. It was the most important day in his life, and led to many more good days thereafter. It gave him hope, and he was glad to see the Brotherhood could do the same for another lost soul. There were too many who turned to violence in search for their calling, so he took pride in those he could save from such a self-destructive life. There was so much more out there than carnage, chems, and despair.

“When I heard your team’s distress broadcast, I just...I knew I had to do something. If there was even just an _ounce_ of hope that there was some sort of semblance of a military out here, promoting order in a world gone mad, I knew I wanted to be a part of it. Join the ranks if I would be given the chance. See, it as a really stupid leap of faith...one that thankfully paid off. Things...don’t seem quite so hopeless now, and I’m honored you would give me a chance, despite knowing nothing about me. Hell, from what I’ve learned so far being out here, I could have been a spy, or a Raider, or just gained your trust to steal your technology and take your lives. But you must have seen something more in me. Honestly, when I stepped out of the vault, I didn’t think anyone would give me a second thought. You and your squad proved me wrong.”

Paladin Danse believed anyone willing to embrace the military way of life and the ideals of the Brotherhood deserved a chance to prove their worth. He knew from personal experience that he was grateful to have a chance to join the ranks, to leave his worthless life behind for something more. He had a good feeling about Cunningham, and his intuition was usually right. And it turns out his intuition _was_ right, yet again. This was a man wandering aimlessly, without a grand purpose, who needed direction and guidance, or end up another victim of the vicious reality of life in the Commonwealth. He was glad Cunningham managed to find them before he could become corrupted. It would have been such a waste of a good man.

“I didn’t have a doubt in my mind you would make a fine soldier. You took control of the battlefield without fear or hesitance. You display and command a great amount of respect. You were willing to help my team on two occasions without expecting compensation. Someone of your standards, the Brotherhood itself will be honored to have you in it’s ranks, and that’s not something I say lightly.”

Cunningham ducked his head down, making some futile attempt at hiding the heat rising to his cheeks. Jesus what was wrong with him? He remembered this feeling all too well. The bashfulness, the pitter-patter of his heart, the admiration he felt for his superior officer, just like in the army way back when. A fucking crush, that’s what this was. A crush on the Paladin who had given him the chance he so desperately needed. Just like before, in a world where such feelings for your fellow man, especially when you were supposed to be the epitome of strength and masculinity, was frowned upon. The way his throat clenched left a sour taste in his mouth. He had hoped this wouldn’t happen, he had hoped he would be able to control himself, especially with his mind trying to grasp the new reality and life he faced. But of course it would, and of course it would be the Paladin he felt fond for. At least Danse didn’t seem to notice the unease in the Initiate’s face, feet scuffling the floor, contemplating making a run for it. It’s how he’s had to deal with this before. After the incident that turned his life upside down. The incident that lead him to Darla and a relationship full of guilt and regret. Since then, he’s been running without end from himself, and surely he would have to continue running for the rest of his life, the heat in his gut being any indication of that. God he was so sick of running.

“Well, I erm...appreciate the...confidence you have in my capabilities, sir. I...I’ll try not to let you down…”

“There is no try, soldier. Just action. I have no doubt you’ll do just fine.”

Cunningham knew he was just trying to boost morale, but honestly his mind twisted it into more of a compliment, which wasn’t helped by the Paladin’s soft tone, taken after the pain of his past started bubbling forth across his face. Probably because Dancse felt guilty for making him relive such memories for the sake of his curiosity. Geez, he needed to cool his jets, or take a cold bath. That might help. This is not the footing he wanted to start on with his commanding officer. This was a bad omen, a very bad one indeed.

_What are you getting yourself into?_

Paladin Danse gave a nervous clearing of his throat, turning towards the door before glancing back to Initiate Cunningham for a moment.

“Take a day to recoup and ready your equipment. I have a sensitive assignment that needs investigation. I’ll give you the details in the morning.”

With that, the Paladin stepped into the police station, leaving Nathan alone in the garage. A shaky sigh escaped his lips, and he was thankful now for his fatigue trousers being so baggy. He could feel his cock straining against his underwear, face flushed with the lustful feelings overcoming him. Years and years of denial. Years of trying to reprogram his brain to love his wife and the soft curves of her body. Years of trying to keep his eyes from wandering to the strong planes of the men he served with. God damn he had it bad. He had it bad, and he just couldn’t keep himself from imagining Danse down in nothing but his uniform, rolled down from his torso, muscles flexing, cock bulging against the tight material encasing it. He palmed himself momentarily through his trousers, an electricity shooting through his spine, threatening to consume him entirely. Oh god it felt so good. Oh just a little more, please.

_ Wrong. Disgusting. Against the will of God. Sinful. You fucking faggot. _

Nathan tried to shake away the haunting words of his father, but it at least had the desired effect of dulling the ache in his groin. No. No, he couldn’t give in to this. He couldn’t do this. Not again. He grit his teeth, anger, frustration, and pain boiling in his chest before he slammed a fist into the concrete wall, biting back the furious bellow that threatened to burst forth. He couldn’t let his superior see him compromised, not when Danse held him in such high regard. He couldn’t be seen as vulnerable. All good feelings that had come from his superior’s praises were now gone, replaced with that same self-loathing he knew all too well throughout his life. He thought perhaps in this new and terrible world he could leave behind his sinful thoughts, start anew, but he found the fantasies harder to restrain than ever before.

“No...no, no, no…”

Nathan slid down the wall, sitting with his face buried in his hands. The guilt of his past weighed heavy on his heart, all of his wrongs, all of his secrets, like a pile of bricks threatening to smother him. The bombs hadn’t burned the horrors away like he had hoped. Still they haunted him, still the pain was raw and deep. Darla hadn’t deserved the abuse. Darla hadn’t deserved the anger. He had to hide who he truly was for the sake of his image, but no one had deserved the wrath that grew within, especially her. He had been the one who deserved to die, not her. Alone in the garage, Nathan cried to himself, grieving the world lost, scared of the future, and really damn scared the Brotherhood would find out about the secrets that tormented him in his sleep. He had hoped in this new world, he could start over, and not a soul would ever have to know of his cruelty. But it seems even if the bombs destroyed all that he loved, it couldn’t erase the pain and the truth of the past. Sooner or later it would catch up to him, and a future where the Brotherhood banished him for being the monster that he truly was, it was almost too much to bear.

He may have a chance to start again, but no one, not even Nathan, had the power to erase the past.

  
  
  
  



End file.
